Hello again from the corner of my study,

It seems most of my life, when not on campus, is spent here. I am in what I might call a pensive mood. I have so much on my plate at the moment that I feel like I am just trying to dog paddle in 15 foot water. That is not that terrible, but the 10 foot swells suck!!  I have two people that I have a great appreciation for who both teach at Northern Illinois University, Michael Day and Jessica Reyman. Michael is an amazing person and a great mentor, though he probably does not know that I see him as such. His insight and the opportunity to speak with him at C&W Conferences has been a gift. Jessica was my predecessor here at Stout, and she is a brilliant woman. She and her husband, Ryan, and now a daughter live there in DeKalb. I have been in contact with them both and while they are both safe, hard to imagine what they are feeling at this point in time. As I have read the accounts of the tragedy, I cannot help but also feel such sadness for the father of the shooter. I remember my father’s pain when my brother died tragically. He had not done anything like this, but parents will always feel a certain accountability for their offspring I imagine.

I wonder what must have happened that a seemingly remarkable person could make such a decision. We are all so fragile, but what is so amazing is that we probably never really know of that fragility. Perhaps it is because I am in my 50s that I find such things so frightening. Perhaps it is because I have been closer to death than some that I realize how fine that line between life and death really is. I would like to retire and relax and enjoy life, but as I noted I have this sense of melancholy that sometimes makes me see the darker side than I want.

This semester has been so hectic and I have some company between Lydia’s house and my little abode. It has helped me realize that I have been pretty solitary for a while. While I think that has been a good thing, I am now aware that I think I want that to change. I like having someone, even on a part-time or temporary basis to share space with. That is certainly a new realization for me.

I would like to relax some, at least I think I want to. What is it that makes me believe I always need to do more? I know all the classic reasons and I have done all the counseling, but not much has changed in that. I want to take time to enjoy rather than feel like I am in the proverbial hamster wheel. I know part of it is being able to say "no." But there are things called promotion and tenure . . . therefore, it does not seem like now is a possibility. Especially when some of the powers-to-be seem to have a reason to make my life unsettled. It is such a difficult position in which to be.

I have been in contact with the summer friends and things there are still difficult. One diffierence is that I have learned to help from a distance and know that I have boundaries that are necessary. That is one of the times I have said no, at least to myself. It has not been easy . . . but I have done it. I am also disillusioned at the need to get somethings done, but there never seems to be the time to get all the pieces that I need to make it work. The past couple weeks have been so booked that even a half hour change is a problem. But I keep trying to manage it. The other day I was checking things off one list on one page while creating a new list on another page at the same time. WTF??

Well, enough whining . . .  just do it Michael and then relax!!

More again soon. Thanks for reading!

Michael