Hello again from the corner of my study,

It seems most of my life, when not on campus, is spent here. I am in what I might call a pensive mood. I have so much on my plate at the moment that I feel like I am just trying to dog paddle in 15 foot water. That is not that terrible, but the 10 foot swells suck!!  I have two people that I have a great appreciation for who both teach at Northern Illinois University, Michael Day and Jessica Reyman. Michael is an amazing person and a great mentor, though he probably does not know that I see him as such. His insight and the opportunity to speak with him at C&W Conferences has been a gift. Jessica was my predecessor here at Stout, and she is a brilliant woman. She and her husband, Ryan, and now a daughter live there in DeKalb. I have been in contact with them both and while they are both safe, hard to imagine what they are feeling at this point in time. As I have read the accounts of the tragedy, I cannot help but also feel such sadness for the father of the shooter. I remember my father’s pain when my brother died tragically. He had not done anything like this, but parents will always feel a certain accountability for their offspring I imagine.

I wonder what must have happened that a seemingly remarkable person could make such a decision. We are all so fragile, but what is so amazing is that we probably never really know of that fragility. Perhaps it is because I am in my 50s that I find such things so frightening. Perhaps it is because I have been closer to death than some that I realize how fine that line between life and death really is. I would like to retire and relax and enjoy life, but as I noted I have this sense of melancholy that sometimes makes me see the darker side than I want.

This semester has been so hectic and I have some company between Lydia’s house and my little abode. It has helped me realize that I have been pretty solitary for a while. While I think that has been a good thing, I am now aware that I think I want that to change. I like having someone, even on a part-time or temporary basis to share space with. That is certainly a new realization for me.

I would like to relax some, at least I think I want to. What is it that makes me believe I always need to do more? I know all the classic reasons and I have done all the counseling, but not much has changed in that. I want to take time to enjoy rather than feel like I am in the proverbial hamster wheel. I know part of it is being able to say "no." But there are things called promotion and tenure . . . therefore, it does not seem like now is a possibility. Especially when some of the powers-to-be seem to have a reason to make my life unsettled. It is such a difficult position in which to be.

I have been in contact with the summer friends and things there are still difficult. One diffierence is that I have learned to help from a distance and know that I have boundaries that are necessary. That is one of the times I have said no, at least to myself. It has not been easy . . . but I have done it. I am also disillusioned at the need to get somethings done, but there never seems to be the time to get all the pieces that I need to make it work. The past couple weeks have been so booked that even a half hour change is a problem. But I keep trying to manage it. The other day I was checking things off one list on one page while creating a new list on another page at the same time. WTF??

Well, enough whining . . .  just do it Michael and then relax!!

More again soon. Thanks for reading!

Michael

Hello from the corner of my study;

I am feeling like the infamous tag waggin’ the dog. I cannot figure out how to get off the merry-go-round, but more frustrating is that it is not necessarily something that can be figured out. It is the way it is. From a legislature, which demonstrates regularly that they have little or no appreciation for those who teach in the system, at least if you are not in Madison or Milwaukee, to the university that seems to be willing to ask for more and more, but has no money to pay for it, the average professor seems more like a cog in the infamous factory in the industrial revolution-a sweat shop- than a professional in a place of higher education.

Very few people go to work each day trying to slack off or figure out a way to do less. We work to take care of the students and go about our callings with a sense of purpose and dignity. I enjoy my teaching; I appreciate my students; I respect my colleagues across the campus and I am humbled by how much the staff in places like LTS support the faculty. What frustrates me is a pittance of a raise, a two class overload with no pay, and doing these sorts of things for a couple years now. What irritates me is the seeming requirement to continue such a path particularly by those who might change it and then their surprise when studies reveal there is low morale on campus.  What amazes me is that in spite of all of this, staggering amounts of good work still occur. The response of our illustratious state legislature and Board of Regents is to manage to take benefits away treating us like we are prone to abuse the system and not work hard enough. Can you say "ludicrous"??

Am I bitter?? No, not really. I am, however, losing that idealism,which I have noted in the past. Yet, I refuse to lose it all . . .  I will continue to stand up for what I believe is right, ethical and fair, hoping and believing that such a stance is reasonable . . . and I certainly don’t believe if you spoke one-on-one with most from the legislature, the administration and the system or even at the local university level, they would say they wake up in the morning with the intent to exploit. In fact, they would argue that is the furthest from what they want; but somehow, I think that is where we are.

This week I have been so busy with service things that trying to get my own work done is been piecemeal at best. That is stressful because I do not feel that I am doing my best work. That is sad because I am committed to continual improvement and hoping to excell in all I do. When I am cornered into a situation where I feel that is not possible, I do get frustrated. I get teased at times because I do manage to get a lot done, but it often seems like it is still an inadequate amount. Yesterday, I was doing email between spoonfuls of soup. There have been four night in the last week and a half where I have averaged 2-3 hours of sleep a day. Yet, I am behind. Some of that is certainly of my own making and my inability to say "no." I am learning and I am being pushed to do so.  That is for my own protection and I know that.

In spite of the certain tone of negativity here, I will prevail and make it through. To do less is not acceptable. I guess what I want more than a raise or some of the other things, it a honest appreciation from those for whom it is being done, and I am not referring to most of the students, it is our employers at the various levels. Rather than believing that we should be penalized or controlled like unruly school kids, please treat us like the professionals we are. Please demonstrate through your actions that you appreciate how hard the average professor works day in and day out. Please, reconsider the significant role we have within the state.

I don’t really think that should be too much to ask. A genuine "thank you" that is more than lip service and continued support both in word and deed would be greatly appreciated. The picture today is of Lydia’s house and reminds me of the beauty in the world, which is here in spite of what we do to tanish it.

That is what I am thinking at this point.

Thanks,

Michael